Saturday, February 9, 2013

Not interested in life..

20.12.2012, a beautiful date right? But not really a beautiful day I guess. It was my birthday, but somehow,  I don't feel that happy. But still, I am very grateful for these 14 years God gave me. I know that there's always ups and downs in life, but lately, i've been through a lot and i guess..too much, with all of the pains that I feel. I'm not perfect, and so all of you guys. I have flaws. I made mistakes. I learn from that. People change. And sometimes, not to be the one you wanted them to be. But this is life, you can't always get what you want, right?

But, other than those sucky feeling i felt, there's always reasons for my laughter and smiles everyday. That person made my days were the most beautiful days in my life. We laugh together, we talk on phone for hours, we went here and there together, we fight, we get jealous, we shared secrets...but then, BOOM! I made the most horrible decision. I really want to blame myself, but i couldn't. It was not my fault for not feeling it anymore. And it wasn't also my fault i felt it again. And then he treats me like I'm invisible and not important. I feel like a piece of shit. I stared at him a lot. Well, carefully. Not letting myself to get caught staring at him or I'll embarrassed myself. I hate being treated like this. I hate how I get jealous seeing him talking a lot lot more with her, her, her, and her. I know I may be selfish or whatsoever, but i really don't care. I wish he knew what I feel. But I want him to be happy too. And if his "happy" is with other girl, then there's nothing I can do about it than move on. But I know that move on is fucking hard and won't be easy and will take time. I can't just forget him in a second. This sucks kay? I hate this feeling.

And sometimes I'm scared that I will feel the same feeling when i get earlier with that guy. I know he's somewhat different from other guys, but you know, they're guys. We, girls, never know what's on their minds right.


I've always wondered why that stupid thing always happened later. Why? Now we're that close anymore. I hate how when i get jealous, it affected my whole day, my whole attitude, my whole mood, my whole attention to lessons and I really don't want this stupid feeling. Even tho this "thing" started to happened, it won't be the same. I fucking hate the fact that even though I'm right THERE, he's still trying to make excuses to talk to her. It effing hurts.

Anybody ever had the feeling that committing suicide was your only option? You're really tired of all the things that's happening in your life and you think that the only think that can make that pain go is by committing suicide?

I know it's terrible to feel like that. But, from everything that've been going around me, is really killing me slowly. And I hate slow stuff. Why don't just take me away and everybody's happy? Or at least I need to run away from home where no one knows me and I want to have those people who will be there for you. Not only when you're feeling on top of the world, but also when you're feeling the worse of the worst.

Since I am "that" lonely, it scares me somehow that I won't have anymore like them anymore. They used to cheer me up. Now I have no one. Well, as in not like how it was back then. I knew I made mistakes. You guys too, I supposed. Some of you may have been in my position before, and you should've known what I feel. I wonder what were you thinking when you were in my place back then? Do you guys ever think that you don't want to feel that but you made others feel like what you felt. It's horrible. I'm not saying that I'm always true or else, but I just want to remind everyone, just don't make others feel the way you don't want to feel. Think. What if you are in their position right now? How tough will you be? And consider their other problems too. Problems aren't always from school. What about their family? You never think that they cry every single night holding a scissor or cutter trying to cut themselves but at the same time crying because she needs to stop trying to kill themselves? They still want to see the world. The beautiful Earth that God had created. They want to fall in love. They want to travel the world. They want all her dreams to come true. The want to have kids. But they're tired. Tired of pretending that everything's fine when everything is actually really wrong. Tired of faking tons of smiles every single day. They're tired okay? And they need someone to talk to, someone that let them cry in their shoulders, someone who will hug them when they're crying. They need a figure of a friend. That's it. They miss having close friends. That's all. They didn't really asking for something that's rare in this world. Well, guess it's rare though, to find a true friends.

I know, this little chit chat I wrote is a little deep whatsoever. But this is written from the deepest of my heart. This is just how I feel lately. And just so you guys know, I'm not judging anyone, I'm just talking. About my life, about what I feel, that's all. So, no offense.

So, yeah. Bye! :')

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